Splash Mountain

April 20, 2012

When I was in sixth grade or so (only a couple of years post-diagnosis), my family went to Disney World. We wanted to go on Splash Mountain, and I was super nervous but also excited. I really wanted to ride it but I was new to roller coasters and I had no idea what to expect. I kept getting part way through the line and then needing to use the bathroom and ducking out, then getting to the bathroom only to find it was a false urge. It mast have happened three times. I gave up for the day and we went back to the hotel.

I finally managed to ride Splash Mountain the next day. But it was a huge struggle, for such a little thing.

Most people’s is probably like this, but my Crohn’s keys in on stress so strongly. I hate that the hardest part of my life gets worse when everything else is hard. It’s like, “Oh, your life is hard right now? Let’s go ahead and make it even harder.”

My belly hates me.

April 20, 2012

I have not been kind to myself. Not that I really could have, unless I somehow happened to get really lucky and just fall into a job and an apartment. Schoolwork I can handle. Schoolwork plus grownup stuff, all at the same time with zero experience to back me up? Not so much.

This is crunch time for me, with graduation looming in slightly more than four weeks. I have finally finished the paper from a year ago that was stressing me out so hard, just in time to have to start my apartment search. I have won all these awards for school; I’m the “outstanding classics major” of this year’s graduating class, I’ll be graduating Magna Cum Laude, and I am about to be inducted into Phi Beta Kappa. I keep acing all my tests, even when I don’t study as much as one would hope. Basically, I win at being a student. (Year-long paper experience not withstanding.) But then throw job hunting and apartment hunting (neither of which is easy in this economy, especially not for someone who sucks at it) into the mix, and there goes my ability to function and treat myself well.

I had a second interview for a job on Monday that went really well.This was very lucky, because basically nobody else was calling me back, and those who did had already decided not to hire me, apparently. But I adored this job, and all the people I met at the company, and the fact that it came with a solid salary. Then I spent the rest of the week in a constant state of nausea because I was so nervous to hear back. I stopped eating properly, which just made it worse. Cue vicious cycle. Today I called back to check on progress, and found out I didn’t get the job. Which sent me further into digestive purgatory. I managed to get in a second cup of coffee before realizing (two minutes before I was supposed to leave to view apartments) that I hadn’t actually eaten any food at all. So I gulped down some yogurt before running out the door. Between apartments, we stopped at a Dunkin Donuts for (another) coffee and a donut.

And that’s all I’ve eaten today. Three cups of coffee, a donut, and a yogurt. But my belly doesn’t want me to eat anything else.

I don’t know what is going to happen now but this can’t continue. Something has got to give, so I can maybe focus on only one horrifyingly difficult life-changing task at a time. Then maybe I can start eating like I’m a person again and not feeling nauseous all the time.